The Business of Misery

Ok, so it has been a week, so I will update this blog (however, I feel this blog becoming increasingly worthless a it is half-journal, but not since I can't say a lot of personal things, and half me ranting - it brings very little value and maybe I need more theological encouragment type content). Anyways, I was thinking of whether or not to write this blog because it was be read poorly and result in cliche advice I do not care to hear. Regardless, here I go.

I have decided I don't like Boston. I am miserable here. Not like POW camp, tortured miserable, or depressed crying at night miserable, but out of place, feeling empty and pointless miserable. I don't understand why I am here right now. For one, the acadmic rigors here are overwhelming me. I have been reading like 10 hours a day the past three days for this midterm (which God graciously gave me more time for since I didn't know its date until the day before, which I am very thankful for), and the content is meaningless archaelogy. I somehow didn't know there was a final Monday until I was told in an email Sunday afternoon, and I had a melt down. Like, mentally, something in my broke. After reading for like 12 hours, I laid in bed for a quick hour nap and my mind raced with actual considerations of going home, maybe working for the Rock for awhile, probably the only place I have really felt at home at. I was thinking about whether or not I really am meant to be an academic. I will continue on that in a minute.

I am a social creature and it is hard being somewhere where I do not have a social life. I know some people and have friends, but it isn't the same as home yet and I have yet to feel like I belong here at all. As for the acadmic part, I told Kristen its like a professional athlete. In high school he is a start, in college he is great, and then he goes to the pros and everyone else is great or better and he is just another bench player. I feel like that is how I will end up in academia. Is this really God's call for my life? Or is it my resitance to full-time vocational ministry? Have I taken the wrong path to come here? Is this God's way of telling me this isn't what he wants for me? Am I just burning out because of lack of reliance on Him (true regardless)? There are like 800 questions in my head. Where did the idea of being a professor even come from? I have never taught. Just because I am good at school doesn't make me an academic. I don't know if another 6 years of this or so is worth it.

At the same time was I supposed to settle? Should I have stayed at Liberty where I was comfortable and having fun and gotten a degree that I would have already had by now. There seems to be something said that I am trying something new. I know far too many people who stay at home for their whole lives or take the easy route. Maybe the road to excellence is paved in frustration and tears because I am stretching myself and my abilities and not settling. I can't just stay will challenges I know I can breeze through.

That said, I miss MBC the most. I miss ministry. I miss church and community. In talking with people about God here or sitting in class for some reason I still sense godlessness. I think that is a New England thing and not a "me being in a new place" thing because I don't feel like I felt this way at Liberty when I was knew there. I need to get plugged into a church here asap and I need to start making time in my thousands of pages of reading to seek the Lord. I am sure that is a majority of this issue. Still then, I don't like it here.

Midterm is tommorrow. Still reading about pots and steles and buildings and languages. Its boring as crap, and worst off, isn't really being used as Biblical archaelogy, just archaelogy of the Near East. The only reason I care about these things is enlightenment in the word, which I am not getting from this stupid class. Alas.

Again, as you read this, understand I am just being honest. Rain makes sunny days look better. All that crap. I know things will get better, and I hope I use this to really rely on the Lord. Regardless, I really hope those better days come soon.