Sorry, I have no creative title. So it has been over two weeks since I have updated this. I am sorry about that. Its not that I haven't had the time, its just motivation I lack.
Anyways, so my last post was about as emo and as dreary as it gets. Sorry about that. So recently I went home to NOVA for like 8 days or so. It was nice being home. I got to lead worship twice, which I still miss. The coolest thing I did was terror maze on Wednesday and Friday night. Terror Maze is an outreach where students come from all over the area and go through a haunted house type maze with some cool stuff. At the end, in small groups, the students see a Gospel based video clip and then have the Gospel explained to them. My roll was crazy. There was a larg chain link fence with a car battery hooked up to it and I would take on of the ends of the jumper cables and scrape it across the fence (creating tons of sparks) and screaming in my crazy costume while the group passed by. They were almost always suprised and scared, as it was really dark and really suprising. It was also really dangerous, and I burned myself a few times the first night, but oh well. It was cool. Over 100 kids made first time decisions (I don't like using that wording but whatever, you know what I mean). It was awesome and the Lord really used it.
I had some issues with people back home and some drama, but I don't really care to elaborate. In some ways I realize I have been really immature the past few months and I dunno. I am just growing a lot and that is kind of hard, but its cool. By the way, my drives were miserable, as both times I drove through the night and didn't get in until 6am. Really stupid and dangerous, but it worked out. Didn't have much of an option considering I was leading worship and all both Sundays and that dictated the times I left a lot.
So I got my midterm back from Archaelogy. I thought I failed it, but I got a C. I have never been happy to see a C, except this time, because I do not have to drop that class now. The professor said he was impressed in how well I did considering my lack of preparation and that I would easily pull off a B+ for the course. That was amazing news to me.
Today I just cleaned all day and had dinner with my roomate Brad and some other guys at our house. I wish I could do something crazy for Halloween, but I guess I am not a kid anymore (I did go trick-or-treating at 20 at college haha).
Anyways, I really just wanna focus on my academics and improving my relationship with the Lord. I went to dinner with Dale one night while I was home and it was so encouraging. He was just telling me that is academics or Boston or anything is keeping me from the Lord than put that away and focus on the Lord. I feel like no matter how many great brains I study under, Dale's voice will always be in the back of my head saying "seek Christ." I know a lot of people smarter than him, but not many if any that are wiser. His Christ-centeredness is amazing. I love that guy.
Anyways, thats it for now. I am going to post a book review now so I don't wanna waste much more time. Peace out kids!
Showing posts with label Personal Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal Life. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Business of Misery
Ok, so it has been a week, so I will update this blog (however, I feel this blog becoming increasingly worthless a it is half-journal, but not since I can't say a lot of personal things, and half me ranting - it brings very little value and maybe I need more theological encouragment type content). Anyways, I was thinking of whether or not to write this blog because it was be read poorly and result in cliche advice I do not care to hear. Regardless, here I go.
I have decided I don't like Boston. I am miserable here. Not like POW camp, tortured miserable, or depressed crying at night miserable, but out of place, feeling empty and pointless miserable. I don't understand why I am here right now. For one, the acadmic rigors here are overwhelming me. I have been reading like 10 hours a day the past three days for this midterm (which God graciously gave me more time for since I didn't know its date until the day before, which I am very thankful for), and the content is meaningless archaelogy. I somehow didn't know there was a final Monday until I was told in an email Sunday afternoon, and I had a melt down. Like, mentally, something in my broke. After reading for like 12 hours, I laid in bed for a quick hour nap and my mind raced with actual considerations of going home, maybe working for the Rock for awhile, probably the only place I have really felt at home at. I was thinking about whether or not I really am meant to be an academic. I will continue on that in a minute.
I am a social creature and it is hard being somewhere where I do not have a social life. I know some people and have friends, but it isn't the same as home yet and I have yet to feel like I belong here at all. As for the acadmic part, I told Kristen its like a professional athlete. In high school he is a start, in college he is great, and then he goes to the pros and everyone else is great or better and he is just another bench player. I feel like that is how I will end up in academia. Is this really God's call for my life? Or is it my resitance to full-time vocational ministry? Have I taken the wrong path to come here? Is this God's way of telling me this isn't what he wants for me? Am I just burning out because of lack of reliance on Him (true regardless)? There are like 800 questions in my head. Where did the idea of being a professor even come from? I have never taught. Just because I am good at school doesn't make me an academic. I don't know if another 6 years of this or so is worth it.
At the same time was I supposed to settle? Should I have stayed at Liberty where I was comfortable and having fun and gotten a degree that I would have already had by now. There seems to be something said that I am trying something new. I know far too many people who stay at home for their whole lives or take the easy route. Maybe the road to excellence is paved in frustration and tears because I am stretching myself and my abilities and not settling. I can't just stay will challenges I know I can breeze through.
That said, I miss MBC the most. I miss ministry. I miss church and community. In talking with people about God here or sitting in class for some reason I still sense godlessness. I think that is a New England thing and not a "me being in a new place" thing because I don't feel like I felt this way at Liberty when I was knew there. I need to get plugged into a church here asap and I need to start making time in my thousands of pages of reading to seek the Lord. I am sure that is a majority of this issue. Still then, I don't like it here.
Midterm is tommorrow. Still reading about pots and steles and buildings and languages. Its boring as crap, and worst off, isn't really being used as Biblical archaelogy, just archaelogy of the Near East. The only reason I care about these things is enlightenment in the word, which I am not getting from this stupid class. Alas.
Again, as you read this, understand I am just being honest. Rain makes sunny days look better. All that crap. I know things will get better, and I hope I use this to really rely on the Lord. Regardless, I really hope those better days come soon.
I have decided I don't like Boston. I am miserable here. Not like POW camp, tortured miserable, or depressed crying at night miserable, but out of place, feeling empty and pointless miserable. I don't understand why I am here right now. For one, the acadmic rigors here are overwhelming me. I have been reading like 10 hours a day the past three days for this midterm (which God graciously gave me more time for since I didn't know its date until the day before, which I am very thankful for), and the content is meaningless archaelogy. I somehow didn't know there was a final Monday until I was told in an email Sunday afternoon, and I had a melt down. Like, mentally, something in my broke. After reading for like 12 hours, I laid in bed for a quick hour nap and my mind raced with actual considerations of going home, maybe working for the Rock for awhile, probably the only place I have really felt at home at. I was thinking about whether or not I really am meant to be an academic. I will continue on that in a minute.
I am a social creature and it is hard being somewhere where I do not have a social life. I know some people and have friends, but it isn't the same as home yet and I have yet to feel like I belong here at all. As for the acadmic part, I told Kristen its like a professional athlete. In high school he is a start, in college he is great, and then he goes to the pros and everyone else is great or better and he is just another bench player. I feel like that is how I will end up in academia. Is this really God's call for my life? Or is it my resitance to full-time vocational ministry? Have I taken the wrong path to come here? Is this God's way of telling me this isn't what he wants for me? Am I just burning out because of lack of reliance on Him (true regardless)? There are like 800 questions in my head. Where did the idea of being a professor even come from? I have never taught. Just because I am good at school doesn't make me an academic. I don't know if another 6 years of this or so is worth it.
At the same time was I supposed to settle? Should I have stayed at Liberty where I was comfortable and having fun and gotten a degree that I would have already had by now. There seems to be something said that I am trying something new. I know far too many people who stay at home for their whole lives or take the easy route. Maybe the road to excellence is paved in frustration and tears because I am stretching myself and my abilities and not settling. I can't just stay will challenges I know I can breeze through.
That said, I miss MBC the most. I miss ministry. I miss church and community. In talking with people about God here or sitting in class for some reason I still sense godlessness. I think that is a New England thing and not a "me being in a new place" thing because I don't feel like I felt this way at Liberty when I was knew there. I need to get plugged into a church here asap and I need to start making time in my thousands of pages of reading to seek the Lord. I am sure that is a majority of this issue. Still then, I don't like it here.
Midterm is tommorrow. Still reading about pots and steles and buildings and languages. Its boring as crap, and worst off, isn't really being used as Biblical archaelogy, just archaelogy of the Near East. The only reason I care about these things is enlightenment in the word, which I am not getting from this stupid class. Alas.
Again, as you read this, understand I am just being honest. Rain makes sunny days look better. All that crap. I know things will get better, and I hope I use this to really rely on the Lord. Regardless, I really hope those better days come soon.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
I'm Not an Actor
Lots of thoughts in my head right now. Just went out to wings with my roomate and some guys. I guess I have been feeling really challenged by the people up here in the Boston area. The Christians are unlike any I've ever met in my limited 7 or 8 years as a Christian. They think a lot. Many of them are intellectuals (grad school does that to you). They question. They think out what they believe and say. They don't follow the normal stream of conservatism I have always encountered. Much like the hippies, this has challenged me.
Tonight I was talking for awhile with a guy named Brian. He is married, 25, and is curently in grad school pursuing his masters in psychology and is doing clinical hours and will go on to his PhD in that field. We talked at nights end about the fact that he is wrestling with inerrancy and interpretation of Scripture. We talked at length about homosexuality and his friends who are practicing lesbians who live together but are believers. He is wrestling with a lot. A lot of people here are. My roomate Dave was telling me about how he was wrestling about Protestantism and considering converting to Catholicism awhile ago. The people at the hookah place question the existance of objectivity and God in general.
Now I know what any conservative believer reading this is thinking: oh no, liberalism is causing John to question his beliefs. No. That is not true. Nothing I believe has really changed, although I feel God is opening me up to a conviction of more socio-economic issues and poverty that I haven't had. No, I am not question my faith, innerancy, Protestantism. Heck, I am not even questioning Calvinism. It is just refreshing to be around believers who are open and honest about these issues. About their faith. They are wrestling with life, many of them in intimacy with the Lord and going to Him with their questions.
I guess the Christianity I have been exposed to so often seems to scripted. If someone came up to me after a service at MBC and talked about these issues, it wouldn't be a huge deal, but it would clearly be out of the ordinary. I think in DC most people at MBC are so consumed with their own jobs and life they don't care that much about some of those issues. If they talked to me about it at Liberty, they would me labeled as liberals and heretics. What I find rediculous is that we all have our answers to all these questions, scripted in a lot of ways by our apologetic arguements, but deep down many of us wrestle with the issues of God's sovereignty and AIDS and the evils of this world. I think in the end, it comes down to two facts. Most of the Christians I have met are too consumed in their white, middle-class American lives to even care about some of the deep issues, or they are too scared to speak up around conservative believers who can be very judgmental.
In the end, I still obviously argued tonight with him for innerancy and against all of our rediculous sinfulness. But I appreciated his honesty and willingness to have converse with another believer about something. I am tired of groups of Christians where we have to act like we are all doing well and are happy. At Liberty, my prayer groups were so forced. No one in those groups cared about what was going on with other believers there. We pretended to. Maybe we even prayed down lists of those people's requests. But we didn't share any of ourselves. And we certainly didn't question anything. We all read our lines and the play was over. I just hope to develop relationships that are more genuine than that. Hope this communicated itself alright. In the end, I have a lot of thinking to do.
Tonight I was talking for awhile with a guy named Brian. He is married, 25, and is curently in grad school pursuing his masters in psychology and is doing clinical hours and will go on to his PhD in that field. We talked at nights end about the fact that he is wrestling with inerrancy and interpretation of Scripture. We talked at length about homosexuality and his friends who are practicing lesbians who live together but are believers. He is wrestling with a lot. A lot of people here are. My roomate Dave was telling me about how he was wrestling about Protestantism and considering converting to Catholicism awhile ago. The people at the hookah place question the existance of objectivity and God in general.
Now I know what any conservative believer reading this is thinking: oh no, liberalism is causing John to question his beliefs. No. That is not true. Nothing I believe has really changed, although I feel God is opening me up to a conviction of more socio-economic issues and poverty that I haven't had. No, I am not question my faith, innerancy, Protestantism. Heck, I am not even questioning Calvinism. It is just refreshing to be around believers who are open and honest about these issues. About their faith. They are wrestling with life, many of them in intimacy with the Lord and going to Him with their questions.
I guess the Christianity I have been exposed to so often seems to scripted. If someone came up to me after a service at MBC and talked about these issues, it wouldn't be a huge deal, but it would clearly be out of the ordinary. I think in DC most people at MBC are so consumed with their own jobs and life they don't care that much about some of those issues. If they talked to me about it at Liberty, they would me labeled as liberals and heretics. What I find rediculous is that we all have our answers to all these questions, scripted in a lot of ways by our apologetic arguements, but deep down many of us wrestle with the issues of God's sovereignty and AIDS and the evils of this world. I think in the end, it comes down to two facts. Most of the Christians I have met are too consumed in their white, middle-class American lives to even care about some of the deep issues, or they are too scared to speak up around conservative believers who can be very judgmental.
In the end, I still obviously argued tonight with him for innerancy and against all of our rediculous sinfulness. But I appreciated his honesty and willingness to have converse with another believer about something. I am tired of groups of Christians where we have to act like we are all doing well and are happy. At Liberty, my prayer groups were so forced. No one in those groups cared about what was going on with other believers there. We pretended to. Maybe we even prayed down lists of those people's requests. But we didn't share any of ourselves. And we certainly didn't question anything. We all read our lines and the play was over. I just hope to develop relationships that are more genuine than that. Hope this communicated itself alright. In the end, I have a lot of thinking to do.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Weddings and Coffee
I haven't blogged in awhile. My life isn't exactly a thrill a second, so I don't feel like most of these posts are of much value, but nonetheless here is my update.
This past weekend was pretty cool. On Thursday I picked up Flynn at the airport (which means me driving around downtown). It was really good seeing him. We went to Baja (my first experience), where I got him to buy me lunch for my bday/picking him up and then we went to my place. JR and all the other guys picked us up and we headed back to downtown for the Redsox game. JR bought us all Red Sox shirts for the game with a player that plays the position that we play in softball, and he picked Matsuzaka for me. The shirt was a youth large...so it was a good thing i lost 20 pounds ha! Anyways, so the game was fun. I don't know if Fenway is quite the "experience" everyone says it is. No baseball game is as exciting as a pro or college football game. And the stadium isn't as nice as Camden. But the fans are very intense so it was good. They lost 5-4, but had the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th and it started raining like crazy. It was cool. Some girls were spitting some g at me kinda, so that was fun. There are some funny videos of me going nuts at the game, and me going on top of someone's shoulders didn't make the security guard very happy.
Then we went out to a bar and got some beers and toasted to JR's getting married, but weren't there long (the best man, Wasil, kinda rushed us out; we were there maybe 15 minutes). Then we went up to Maine and to the cabin we were staying in and went in the hot tub and chilled. I walked througout the house completely nude, which was funny considering there were like 2 people I had never met there. I'm crazy.
The next day was the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, which involved us eating lobsters at a beautiful lighthouse in Maine. This area was like a postcard; it was just gorgeous. The lobsters were interesting because they were full lobsters and that stuff can kind of gross me out, but they were good. Then the guys went to the beach and chilled and talked and did guy things for JR's last night of freedom.
The wedding was beautiful. JR was crying before it started, during it, etc. Bre was gorgeous and you could see all of her teeth the whole time. My hair was all over the place and I was worried I looked like a fool, but I refuse to get a haircut so there. The reception was a blast. I danced a bunch, which I normally hate but there were some cuties and what else am I supposed to do? I was so proud of JR and Bre. I was living with JR when they started dating, and they are perfect together. He will certainly cherish her and love her the rest of their lives, and her him. They are awesome.
It was great seeing everyone. I was kind of a jerk at times on the trip, and I feel bad about that. I was just on edge for some reason at times. Regardless, it was a relief seeing so many people I love and miss. It also sucks cause I don't have that here yet and I want to. Time will bring it.
This week, I started work. It is nice having income again, and though I thought I missed working, its not the greatest. But my new store seems cool, and it is way less busy and stressful as the one in DC. What sucks is that I wanted to come home next week during reading week, but I have already been given a schedule and now I don't think I can. I will see what I can do I guess. Not sure yet.
Tuesday night we had game night, which was fun. Apples to apples is always a great game. Except I dominated last time and sucked this time.
I just finished Malcolm X. I'll try and post a book review sometime. It was a really good book. Weird reading about life from such a different perspective (black, muslim, mid 20th century). A lot learned, though. Oh, I talked to Hannah on the phone tonight for the first time since I moved up here (so over a month, since like August). It was good. I didn't really pry into her life and really said nothing of the whole boyfriend thing or anything else. I knew that wansn't my place, and just wanted to know how she was doing. I miss her friendship, so it was good to catch up some.
Life brings me Systematic Theology in the morning, and I havent been to class in awhile because of the wedding and such. I am still worried about the work load and such, and wonder if staying here and working during reading week wouldn't be the worst idea. Anyways, I will keep this up to date. Have a good life!
This past weekend was pretty cool. On Thursday I picked up Flynn at the airport (which means me driving around downtown). It was really good seeing him. We went to Baja (my first experience), where I got him to buy me lunch for my bday/picking him up and then we went to my place. JR and all the other guys picked us up and we headed back to downtown for the Redsox game. JR bought us all Red Sox shirts for the game with a player that plays the position that we play in softball, and he picked Matsuzaka for me. The shirt was a youth large...so it was a good thing i lost 20 pounds ha! Anyways, so the game was fun. I don't know if Fenway is quite the "experience" everyone says it is. No baseball game is as exciting as a pro or college football game. And the stadium isn't as nice as Camden. But the fans are very intense so it was good. They lost 5-4, but had the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th and it started raining like crazy. It was cool. Some girls were spitting some g at me kinda, so that was fun. There are some funny videos of me going nuts at the game, and me going on top of someone's shoulders didn't make the security guard very happy.
Then we went out to a bar and got some beers and toasted to JR's getting married, but weren't there long (the best man, Wasil, kinda rushed us out; we were there maybe 15 minutes). Then we went up to Maine and to the cabin we were staying in and went in the hot tub and chilled. I walked througout the house completely nude, which was funny considering there were like 2 people I had never met there. I'm crazy.
The next day was the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, which involved us eating lobsters at a beautiful lighthouse in Maine. This area was like a postcard; it was just gorgeous. The lobsters were interesting because they were full lobsters and that stuff can kind of gross me out, but they were good. Then the guys went to the beach and chilled and talked and did guy things for JR's last night of freedom.
The wedding was beautiful. JR was crying before it started, during it, etc. Bre was gorgeous and you could see all of her teeth the whole time. My hair was all over the place and I was worried I looked like a fool, but I refuse to get a haircut so there. The reception was a blast. I danced a bunch, which I normally hate but there were some cuties and what else am I supposed to do? I was so proud of JR and Bre. I was living with JR when they started dating, and they are perfect together. He will certainly cherish her and love her the rest of their lives, and her him. They are awesome.
It was great seeing everyone. I was kind of a jerk at times on the trip, and I feel bad about that. I was just on edge for some reason at times. Regardless, it was a relief seeing so many people I love and miss. It also sucks cause I don't have that here yet and I want to. Time will bring it.
This week, I started work. It is nice having income again, and though I thought I missed working, its not the greatest. But my new store seems cool, and it is way less busy and stressful as the one in DC. What sucks is that I wanted to come home next week during reading week, but I have already been given a schedule and now I don't think I can. I will see what I can do I guess. Not sure yet.
Tuesday night we had game night, which was fun. Apples to apples is always a great game. Except I dominated last time and sucked this time.
I just finished Malcolm X. I'll try and post a book review sometime. It was a really good book. Weird reading about life from such a different perspective (black, muslim, mid 20th century). A lot learned, though. Oh, I talked to Hannah on the phone tonight for the first time since I moved up here (so over a month, since like August). It was good. I didn't really pry into her life and really said nothing of the whole boyfriend thing or anything else. I knew that wansn't my place, and just wanted to know how she was doing. I miss her friendship, so it was good to catch up some.
Life brings me Systematic Theology in the morning, and I havent been to class in awhile because of the wedding and such. I am still worried about the work load and such, and wonder if staying here and working during reading week wouldn't be the worst idea. Anyways, I will keep this up to date. Have a good life!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
22 is the new 21
I feel i should update this as I am going out of town for a few days and don't want to leave the droves of people that read this uninformed about my ever-fascinating life. That was sarcasm. On with the show.
September 25th will always be a fond day for me, because that was the day I was born. And if I was not born, I wouldn't probably do as much cool stuff as I have in my life. So for that, I celebrate. However, it falls on a crappy day in terms of everytime I go to a new school or somewhere new, its generally in the first few weeks of that place and I don't know a ton of people, so yea.
Yesterday was alright considering that fact. My roomates, who have been super cool about including me and helping me not die in my room watching reality TV, helped make it better. We were going to do a game night with a house of girls anyways, so we did that and Brad cooked us a pork roast, which was great and heated up in a sandwhich even better. We played Apples to Apples, which I dominated, and then Imagine If...which was fun but I didn't win. It was a fun time. I felt like I really let loose and acted like myself...which is unfortunate for everyone else who was there!
Um, so yeah. I have been reading a bunch this week, mostly this Malcolm X autobiography, which im a little over 200 pages into and have another 200 pages to go. I have never heard someone more rascist in my life. He really hates white people. The Nation of Islam, which he belongs to (like a cult or offspring of some sort of Islam that most African-American Muslims attain to) believes the white man is the devil and a bunch of other crazy stuff. I was hoping he would be fighting more for equality, but he seems to want blacks exalted and whites cast off. I am so glad the racial tension and issues in this country have improved so much in the last 50 years. It was horrible the way things were, and the book has clearly been startling to me (not that I haven't read this kinda stuff at all before, but it is definitely informing). Regardless, Malcolm X's transformation from complete sinfulness to fighting for a cause is inspiriting. I will write a book review on it when I am done.
I am really excited becasue I get to see a bunch of friendly faces the next few days. I'm picking up Shannon from the airport and then going with him to downtown Boston to hang out with JR and a bunch of people in the wedding and then go to Fenway for the Sox game. Fenway is supposedly an experience (as evidenced by $60 baseball tickets...im used to paying like $8). Then we are going to Maine and I'll be there all weekend for rehearsal and all that as I am in the wedding. It is funny because I am the only person under 6 foot tall and under 200 pounds...so im 50 or more pounds lighter and 6 inches or more shorter than everyone else in the wedding. I offered to just be the ring bearer.
I am really excited to see my buds again. Should be a great weekend. Hope to get some reading done too. The amount of reading is rediculous. I will count it up soon, but I would guess it is around 5-6 thousand pages for the semester...for 3 and a half months thats a lot! And I am not the quickest reader so. I am excited to read some of these books though. Anyways, Victoria and Jecholia, and I'm pretty sure that is all who reads this haha...have a good weekend!
September 25th will always be a fond day for me, because that was the day I was born. And if I was not born, I wouldn't probably do as much cool stuff as I have in my life. So for that, I celebrate. However, it falls on a crappy day in terms of everytime I go to a new school or somewhere new, its generally in the first few weeks of that place and I don't know a ton of people, so yea.
Yesterday was alright considering that fact. My roomates, who have been super cool about including me and helping me not die in my room watching reality TV, helped make it better. We were going to do a game night with a house of girls anyways, so we did that and Brad cooked us a pork roast, which was great and heated up in a sandwhich even better. We played Apples to Apples, which I dominated, and then Imagine If...which was fun but I didn't win. It was a fun time. I felt like I really let loose and acted like myself...which is unfortunate for everyone else who was there!
Um, so yeah. I have been reading a bunch this week, mostly this Malcolm X autobiography, which im a little over 200 pages into and have another 200 pages to go. I have never heard someone more rascist in my life. He really hates white people. The Nation of Islam, which he belongs to (like a cult or offspring of some sort of Islam that most African-American Muslims attain to) believes the white man is the devil and a bunch of other crazy stuff. I was hoping he would be fighting more for equality, but he seems to want blacks exalted and whites cast off. I am so glad the racial tension and issues in this country have improved so much in the last 50 years. It was horrible the way things were, and the book has clearly been startling to me (not that I haven't read this kinda stuff at all before, but it is definitely informing). Regardless, Malcolm X's transformation from complete sinfulness to fighting for a cause is inspiriting. I will write a book review on it when I am done.
I am really excited becasue I get to see a bunch of friendly faces the next few days. I'm picking up Shannon from the airport and then going with him to downtown Boston to hang out with JR and a bunch of people in the wedding and then go to Fenway for the Sox game. Fenway is supposedly an experience (as evidenced by $60 baseball tickets...im used to paying like $8). Then we are going to Maine and I'll be there all weekend for rehearsal and all that as I am in the wedding. It is funny because I am the only person under 6 foot tall and under 200 pounds...so im 50 or more pounds lighter and 6 inches or more shorter than everyone else in the wedding. I offered to just be the ring bearer.
I am really excited to see my buds again. Should be a great weekend. Hope to get some reading done too. The amount of reading is rediculous. I will count it up soon, but I would guess it is around 5-6 thousand pages for the semester...for 3 and a half months thats a lot! And I am not the quickest reader so. I am excited to read some of these books though. Anyways, Victoria and Jecholia, and I'm pretty sure that is all who reads this haha...have a good weekend!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Fire Escape Ramblings
Ok, so Friday I guess is where I left off. Friday I went to Theology class in the morning for me, which was like 1pm (ha). Theology is definitely my favorite class out of the two I have on campus. We talked mostly about general and special revelation. It is a sweet class. Then I went and dropped of my laptop to get the screen replaced and then met my roomate and the girl he is talking with (Sarah) and we drove to the T and went downtown to go to a coffee house this church (City Life) was hosting. It was really good and the musicians were all legitimately talented. It didn't hurt that the coffee and food was great.
The most pleasant suprise was that I ran into the only person I knew before I came here in Boston, Michael Roberts. Michael Roberts was raised Jewish, and he started coming to church with me and gave his life to the Lord at some point in that process. This was back when I was a senior. He now goes to New England Conservatory and he is still on fire for the Lord. He always IMs me and asks Biblical questions. A lot of the time I feel like I blow him off, which is stupid of me. It was really encouraging to see him and hear about his life. God has been faithful to him, and it is amazing to me that the Lord used me in his life.
Dave and Sarah went out dancing after, something I chose not to accompany them to (would have been kinda awkward and I wasnt going to pay to go do something I don't like doing). So yea. I lost my keys that night, and I thought they fell off on the T, but they didn't and Dave found them in his car. I had Brad take me over on Saturday to go get my car again (since I had to get a ride home Friday, cause I didn't have my keys). Since then I have just been chillin and reading and watching football. The Redskins absolutely broke my heart today, blowing a 17-3 halftime lead to lose 24-17, missing the endzone on 4th and goal on the 1. WOW!
I'm reading the autobiography of Malcolm X for Islam class. It is already moving. I chose it because I thought it would be shortest of my book choices, and it was the cheapest on amazon. Its like 400 pages though, ha. Anyways, I'm not a rascist, but I think we all have our rascist thoughts and stereotypes of people. I don't know. I think it is important for everyone to read stuff like this. It isn't just black history, its all of our history. It is the horrible past of our country. It moves me. There were frightening words in the first chapter. Malcolm X says that he thinks he will one day die from an act of violence. Self-prophesy. Crazy.
So things spiritually aren't good. I'm not going to lie. I am not spending time with the Lord. And the more time I am not with the Lord, the more its difficult to seek Him. Its rediculous. It will change.
Ok, so those are the events of my life; these are the things floating around in my head. So I didn't get, as of right now, the job at the church. Some of the reasons were that they are much more traditional than I am used to, and they know I have a lot of responsibilities as a student. But one of the main reasons was a conversation we had at lunch. I asked them their opinion on certain Christian liberties as drinking and smoking and such. They weren't against them at all. But they felt I was smug about my Christian liberties, which was completely odd. I don't really talk about them much; I only asked because I felt things were going well, and knowing they were Baptist and would be my spiritual authorities if I worked at the church, I wanted to know what they wanted me to do. I tried to clarify this in my email.
Christian liberties and all just seem frustrating to me. They seem more of a hassel. I want to just say never practice anything anyone questions out of making life easier, but I feel like that is just giving up and not standing up for anything. For example, the Holy Smokes experience was one of great spiritual and evangelistic value I thought, and I have had so many experiences like that, that I thing there is more than just abstaining from everything. It is interesting how the church has varied of the years on these subjects. Early in church history, abstaining from everything was the godliest situation. Not having any money or possessions was spiritual. Now, sometimes, embracing freedom is viewed as spiritual. Where is the line?
As for life in general, I am frustrated with people that seem to show of their spirituality. It seems like some people are so quick to point out their spiritual experiences or feelings towards everything, in situations where it isn't natural but makes them look good. However, their spiritual shortcomings aren't mentioned. JR has always found one of the most interesting things about me is that I share my sin pretty openly. Living with him, he would know if I messed up in an area or didn't seek the Lord. I would confront him on it. Now I wonder if that kind of stuff, in situations like that church, hurts me. Am I always to pretend I am doing great? People say I say a lot of negative things sometimes. At what point can I actually be genuine and at what point do I need to act. Isn't it our fakeness that pushes so many unbelievers away? The entirity of life just seems to be confusing me right now.
The hippies really encourage me (the ones I keep meeting) because they are self-sacrificing. I am so selfish all the time. They share everything. And they seem to genuinely care about people and enjoy life.
I had some cool time on my fire escape outside of my room. I sat there and listened to music and drank coffee. It is one place I feel completely tucked away. I am scared of heights though, and it is like 30-40 feet up, so it is kinda freaky. I listened some to Lou Giglio's sermon on Jeans and the Will of God and all from passion, which is the only sermon I have heard like many times over and over again. One thing he said was that whatever you do in life, don't do it half heartedly. I wanna pursue my life with full out passion, to enjoy it. I wonder if I am going into the write vocation. The Lord will guide me. BTW, since she is like one of two people who reads this, I wanna shout out to Victoria, who I think is very genuine. HA. Anyways I am tired and rambling.
The most pleasant suprise was that I ran into the only person I knew before I came here in Boston, Michael Roberts. Michael Roberts was raised Jewish, and he started coming to church with me and gave his life to the Lord at some point in that process. This was back when I was a senior. He now goes to New England Conservatory and he is still on fire for the Lord. He always IMs me and asks Biblical questions. A lot of the time I feel like I blow him off, which is stupid of me. It was really encouraging to see him and hear about his life. God has been faithful to him, and it is amazing to me that the Lord used me in his life.
Dave and Sarah went out dancing after, something I chose not to accompany them to (would have been kinda awkward and I wasnt going to pay to go do something I don't like doing). So yea. I lost my keys that night, and I thought they fell off on the T, but they didn't and Dave found them in his car. I had Brad take me over on Saturday to go get my car again (since I had to get a ride home Friday, cause I didn't have my keys). Since then I have just been chillin and reading and watching football. The Redskins absolutely broke my heart today, blowing a 17-3 halftime lead to lose 24-17, missing the endzone on 4th and goal on the 1. WOW!
I'm reading the autobiography of Malcolm X for Islam class. It is already moving. I chose it because I thought it would be shortest of my book choices, and it was the cheapest on amazon. Its like 400 pages though, ha. Anyways, I'm not a rascist, but I think we all have our rascist thoughts and stereotypes of people. I don't know. I think it is important for everyone to read stuff like this. It isn't just black history, its all of our history. It is the horrible past of our country. It moves me. There were frightening words in the first chapter. Malcolm X says that he thinks he will one day die from an act of violence. Self-prophesy. Crazy.
So things spiritually aren't good. I'm not going to lie. I am not spending time with the Lord. And the more time I am not with the Lord, the more its difficult to seek Him. Its rediculous. It will change.
Ok, so those are the events of my life; these are the things floating around in my head. So I didn't get, as of right now, the job at the church. Some of the reasons were that they are much more traditional than I am used to, and they know I have a lot of responsibilities as a student. But one of the main reasons was a conversation we had at lunch. I asked them their opinion on certain Christian liberties as drinking and smoking and such. They weren't against them at all. But they felt I was smug about my Christian liberties, which was completely odd. I don't really talk about them much; I only asked because I felt things were going well, and knowing they were Baptist and would be my spiritual authorities if I worked at the church, I wanted to know what they wanted me to do. I tried to clarify this in my email.
Christian liberties and all just seem frustrating to me. They seem more of a hassel. I want to just say never practice anything anyone questions out of making life easier, but I feel like that is just giving up and not standing up for anything. For example, the Holy Smokes experience was one of great spiritual and evangelistic value I thought, and I have had so many experiences like that, that I thing there is more than just abstaining from everything. It is interesting how the church has varied of the years on these subjects. Early in church history, abstaining from everything was the godliest situation. Not having any money or possessions was spiritual. Now, sometimes, embracing freedom is viewed as spiritual. Where is the line?
As for life in general, I am frustrated with people that seem to show of their spirituality. It seems like some people are so quick to point out their spiritual experiences or feelings towards everything, in situations where it isn't natural but makes them look good. However, their spiritual shortcomings aren't mentioned. JR has always found one of the most interesting things about me is that I share my sin pretty openly. Living with him, he would know if I messed up in an area or didn't seek the Lord. I would confront him on it. Now I wonder if that kind of stuff, in situations like that church, hurts me. Am I always to pretend I am doing great? People say I say a lot of negative things sometimes. At what point can I actually be genuine and at what point do I need to act. Isn't it our fakeness that pushes so many unbelievers away? The entirity of life just seems to be confusing me right now.
The hippies really encourage me (the ones I keep meeting) because they are self-sacrificing. I am so selfish all the time. They share everything. And they seem to genuinely care about people and enjoy life.
I had some cool time on my fire escape outside of my room. I sat there and listened to music and drank coffee. It is one place I feel completely tucked away. I am scared of heights though, and it is like 30-40 feet up, so it is kinda freaky. I listened some to Lou Giglio's sermon on Jeans and the Will of God and all from passion, which is the only sermon I have heard like many times over and over again. One thing he said was that whatever you do in life, don't do it half heartedly. I wanna pursue my life with full out passion, to enjoy it. I wonder if I am going into the write vocation. The Lord will guide me. BTW, since she is like one of two people who reads this, I wanna shout out to Victoria, who I think is very genuine. HA. Anyways I am tired and rambling.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Holy Smokes!
Ok, I would like to preface this post by saying that I just made a french press of Arabian Mocha Sunani, and it is marvelous. Note to self: stop brewing coffee and take the time to french press it.
Ok, so Monday night was AWESOME. One of the coolest things I have been to in awhile. So after going to my archaelogy class, I did whatever and then bought a tape to record the Redskins monday night game. I missed the first game interviewing with that church and so I was NOT going to miss this one. But I wanted to go to this thing called "Holy Smokes" with my roomates. So I got into the car with Dave and Brad and we picked up Sarah, the girl Dave is talking to (who is awesome and they would be a great match if it works out).
We arrived to the house of this girl Stacey awhile later, and waited for Stacey to get home. People started to trickle in that lived there. The people were very artsy, hippy-ish people, and they reminded me a lot of hanging out with Laney/visiting her at VCU. They were mega cool, and it was refreshing being around people who are so different than me and the people I generally hang out with. They cooked us dinner, which was great, and then tons of people started showing up. There were around 20 or so people in this small house, and then we all went down to the basement and set up about five hookahs. We began smoking and just talking (Cherry Mint was awesome) and then one of the guys who lives there said we needed to concentrate our conversation on something positive, so we all went around and gave our name, why we were there, and what we believer our purpose was in life.
The cool thing about Holy Smokes is that most of the people are generally not believers. This time it was like half and half, but that was an exception. Many people were not Christians. There were some people who were atheists. I gave the answer that my purpose in life is to glorify the Triune God of Christianity, and to do this mainly by enjoying Him forever (very Piper-esque). Anyways, we went around and began discusses a number of subjects, such as right and wrong, relativism, what God is. I talked way too much, but my roomates said I did a good job of playing the strong, loud voice of Christianity and that it was needed. Many of the Christians were more harboring discussion and not giving their answers, which was greatly needed too.
It was amazingly refreshing to be around unbelievers. I am almost never in real interaction with unbelievers, and I need to be more. It magnifies the purpose of my beliefs and life, and reminds me of my life before Christ and where others are in life. The entire night was completely encouraging and I was incredibly glad I went. I hope to keep going in the future if work permits. It challenged me that I am incredibly selfish and self-focused. The people who lived there were not at all. Their house was everyone's house. Their stuff was everyone else's too. I need my room and my place that is MINE and that no one can have, my things that are no one elses. I am very greedy.
I got back and the Redskins game did not tape! I was pretty ticked, as I missed them upset the Eagles. I am glad I went to Holy Smokes, though.
Since then I have just been chillin at the house. I have an absurd amount of reading that I need to start on, but I have been so unfocused. I got a bed that will finally be mine that I need to pick up next week, and give the one Ramos has been lending me back to him. I went to a laundromat for the first time yesterday. Ended up being fairly expensive, so I am hoping Ramos can start letting me do laundry at his place soon. He gave me some H and M shirts of his that shrunk, so that was cool.
I have been thinking a lot about love lately. Not because I think I have been in love (romantically), becasue I am fairly sure I haven't, but more just thinking about what it is. Is it just like other romantic feelings but a different intensity, or a different concept altogether. How is it like other loves, and how isn't it? Why do you not understand it until you have experienced it (the only thing I know of that is similar in that regards is salvation)? It seems like someone has to be given back to in order to be in love, so isn't that partly shallow? I don't know, its interesting. I think too much.
I was reading someone I lived with at Libert's blog from three years ago. Time and life goes by so fast. I feel like I am always living in the past and the future, but I am never living in the now. This girl I met here named Hannah was telling me about being here now, being in the moment. I really need that. I wish I had journaled more so I had more possession of the past. I feel like I have lost it. Again, I'm weird and think too much.
So I took Hannah off my friends lists/out of my phone, etc. Not because I am upset, but just because I was checking up on her too much and I need to get over her. Theres just a lot of things I don't need to find out about. Give it some time and we will be back to normal.
On a last note, I need to seek the Lord more. I have been distracted way too much lately. I remember in Peru when I was spending time with the Lord every morning and what that meant to me. I need that back again. My spiritual disciplines are wretched. I want my life to be God's here. That is so Christianese, but it is hard to live out. I am sure that it will change though. Praise the Lord for perseverance of the saints.
I am posting a blog very soon (maybe even today) on the second commandment as I said before, so look for that. Peace!
Ok, so Monday night was AWESOME. One of the coolest things I have been to in awhile. So after going to my archaelogy class, I did whatever and then bought a tape to record the Redskins monday night game. I missed the first game interviewing with that church and so I was NOT going to miss this one. But I wanted to go to this thing called "Holy Smokes" with my roomates. So I got into the car with Dave and Brad and we picked up Sarah, the girl Dave is talking to (who is awesome and they would be a great match if it works out).
We arrived to the house of this girl Stacey awhile later, and waited for Stacey to get home. People started to trickle in that lived there. The people were very artsy, hippy-ish people, and they reminded me a lot of hanging out with Laney/visiting her at VCU. They were mega cool, and it was refreshing being around people who are so different than me and the people I generally hang out with. They cooked us dinner, which was great, and then tons of people started showing up. There were around 20 or so people in this small house, and then we all went down to the basement and set up about five hookahs. We began smoking and just talking (Cherry Mint was awesome) and then one of the guys who lives there said we needed to concentrate our conversation on something positive, so we all went around and gave our name, why we were there, and what we believer our purpose was in life.
The cool thing about Holy Smokes is that most of the people are generally not believers. This time it was like half and half, but that was an exception. Many people were not Christians. There were some people who were atheists. I gave the answer that my purpose in life is to glorify the Triune God of Christianity, and to do this mainly by enjoying Him forever (very Piper-esque). Anyways, we went around and began discusses a number of subjects, such as right and wrong, relativism, what God is. I talked way too much, but my roomates said I did a good job of playing the strong, loud voice of Christianity and that it was needed. Many of the Christians were more harboring discussion and not giving their answers, which was greatly needed too.
It was amazingly refreshing to be around unbelievers. I am almost never in real interaction with unbelievers, and I need to be more. It magnifies the purpose of my beliefs and life, and reminds me of my life before Christ and where others are in life. The entire night was completely encouraging and I was incredibly glad I went. I hope to keep going in the future if work permits. It challenged me that I am incredibly selfish and self-focused. The people who lived there were not at all. Their house was everyone's house. Their stuff was everyone else's too. I need my room and my place that is MINE and that no one can have, my things that are no one elses. I am very greedy.
I got back and the Redskins game did not tape! I was pretty ticked, as I missed them upset the Eagles. I am glad I went to Holy Smokes, though.
Since then I have just been chillin at the house. I have an absurd amount of reading that I need to start on, but I have been so unfocused. I got a bed that will finally be mine that I need to pick up next week, and give the one Ramos has been lending me back to him. I went to a laundromat for the first time yesterday. Ended up being fairly expensive, so I am hoping Ramos can start letting me do laundry at his place soon. He gave me some H and M shirts of his that shrunk, so that was cool.
I have been thinking a lot about love lately. Not because I think I have been in love (romantically), becasue I am fairly sure I haven't, but more just thinking about what it is. Is it just like other romantic feelings but a different intensity, or a different concept altogether. How is it like other loves, and how isn't it? Why do you not understand it until you have experienced it (the only thing I know of that is similar in that regards is salvation)? It seems like someone has to be given back to in order to be in love, so isn't that partly shallow? I don't know, its interesting. I think too much.
I was reading someone I lived with at Libert's blog from three years ago. Time and life goes by so fast. I feel like I am always living in the past and the future, but I am never living in the now. This girl I met here named Hannah was telling me about being here now, being in the moment. I really need that. I wish I had journaled more so I had more possession of the past. I feel like I have lost it. Again, I'm weird and think too much.
So I took Hannah off my friends lists/out of my phone, etc. Not because I am upset, but just because I was checking up on her too much and I need to get over her. Theres just a lot of things I don't need to find out about. Give it some time and we will be back to normal.
On a last note, I need to seek the Lord more. I have been distracted way too much lately. I remember in Peru when I was spending time with the Lord every morning and what that meant to me. I need that back again. My spiritual disciplines are wretched. I want my life to be God's here. That is so Christianese, but it is hard to live out. I am sure that it will change though. Praise the Lord for perseverance of the saints.
I am posting a blog very soon (maybe even today) on the second commandment as I said before, so look for that. Peace!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Birthdays and Boston Cream
So an update. Things have been going fairly well up here in New England. Classes have been interesting. My History and Archaelogy of the Ancient Near East class seems like it may be a snoozer. I enjoy learning anything, but from what the teacher is saying I don't even think this is Biblical archaelogy, but just the history and archaelogy of that region. Pottery and all that doesn't really excite me, but he has made some Biblical connections, so maybe I will get something out of reading 1500 pages on pots and palettes and such. My Systematic Theology class seems far more interesting. I was wrong; the prof is not a published guy, he is actually still working on his dissertation, but has studied at Yale and Oxford, so he seems bright. He told the class we should find a designated driver and go to the pub and talk theology with a few pints. He also apologized for having to refer to God as a He. I am for sure not at Liberty anymore, even though this place isn't liberal. Its just less conservative.
I've finally been going out and doing more things. And I finally have been into the actually city. It was my roomates birthday on Saturday, so a bunch of us went down town to this bar John Havard's (right next to Harvard) and got beers (of which I actually had one) and chilled. One girl made a Boston cream pie that was amazing. The whole thing was somewhat fun. The public tranportation here is rough. The subway train was broken down and we kept having to get off and go onto buses, so it took forever to get down there. Then last night I went with my roomate to this ministy called Genesis, which is a college age ministry with contemporary worship (very rare here) and some preaching and all. It was pretty cool, and I think I might get involved and talked to the worship leader about doing some bass or electric for them. It could be hard considering I will be (hopefully) leading worship on sunday morning for that chuch, but I could work it out. Then we went to this pretty cool worship service at the school where all the lights are off and everyone is super quiet and they sing hymns and such.
Tonight I am supposed to go to this thing called Holy Smokes, where people smoke hookah and chill and talk about theology and stuff. Its apparently not just believers, but an out reach and stuff. Seems kinda cool, and I might tape the skins game and go check it out.
In general I am just realizing that the same God that was with me in northern VA and in Lynchburg is here with me, and I really feel stupid for not pursuing Him much the last two weeks I have been here. I really want to take this opportunity up here to cleave to God. I am really confused about the future, and passing around the hot potatoe of pursuing acadmia or vocational ministry, or both. My heart is in ministry. This summer I saw grown people week as I told them to Gospel in Peru, not even speaking their language. I saw kids lives transformed at the beach, kids touched by the Gospel and changed forever. I want to be around that as much as possible. Its funny how much like Israel I am. You read the Old Testament and you are like, man, Israel is so stupid. Stop rebelling. You just saw the Red Sea parted. You just saw God's Shikinah glory pass over the tabernacle. You saw the Lord go with you into the conquest. But we are the same way. I saw the Lord do amazing acts this summer in the hearts of men, and yet I can so easily turn to sin or apathy. God, grant me a steadfast heart!
I am about to post something on the second commandment and modern day idolatry. I changed my mind about the whole two blog system, and so I will be posting whenever I get a chance about different things. I am hoping to get some work done this week, as I am absurdly behind in my Into to Islam class (as in, I haven't started and it is due in a little over a month).
To close, its been really encouraging having friends like Jenny and Kristen and Corrin and other people from back home just texting me and letting me know I am missed. It is a stretch for me to be out here, and I miss everyone, especially the minnistry. I miss leading worship, which is funny because I never intended to get into worship leading in the first place. Anyways, miss you all! Peace!
I've finally been going out and doing more things. And I finally have been into the actually city. It was my roomates birthday on Saturday, so a bunch of us went down town to this bar John Havard's (right next to Harvard) and got beers (of which I actually had one) and chilled. One girl made a Boston cream pie that was amazing. The whole thing was somewhat fun. The public tranportation here is rough. The subway train was broken down and we kept having to get off and go onto buses, so it took forever to get down there. Then last night I went with my roomate to this ministy called Genesis, which is a college age ministry with contemporary worship (very rare here) and some preaching and all. It was pretty cool, and I think I might get involved and talked to the worship leader about doing some bass or electric for them. It could be hard considering I will be (hopefully) leading worship on sunday morning for that chuch, but I could work it out. Then we went to this pretty cool worship service at the school where all the lights are off and everyone is super quiet and they sing hymns and such.
Tonight I am supposed to go to this thing called Holy Smokes, where people smoke hookah and chill and talk about theology and stuff. Its apparently not just believers, but an out reach and stuff. Seems kinda cool, and I might tape the skins game and go check it out.
In general I am just realizing that the same God that was with me in northern VA and in Lynchburg is here with me, and I really feel stupid for not pursuing Him much the last two weeks I have been here. I really want to take this opportunity up here to cleave to God. I am really confused about the future, and passing around the hot potatoe of pursuing acadmia or vocational ministry, or both. My heart is in ministry. This summer I saw grown people week as I told them to Gospel in Peru, not even speaking their language. I saw kids lives transformed at the beach, kids touched by the Gospel and changed forever. I want to be around that as much as possible. Its funny how much like Israel I am. You read the Old Testament and you are like, man, Israel is so stupid. Stop rebelling. You just saw the Red Sea parted. You just saw God's Shikinah glory pass over the tabernacle. You saw the Lord go with you into the conquest. But we are the same way. I saw the Lord do amazing acts this summer in the hearts of men, and yet I can so easily turn to sin or apathy. God, grant me a steadfast heart!
I am about to post something on the second commandment and modern day idolatry. I changed my mind about the whole two blog system, and so I will be posting whenever I get a chance about different things. I am hoping to get some work done this week, as I am absurdly behind in my Into to Islam class (as in, I haven't started and it is due in a little over a month).
To close, its been really encouraging having friends like Jenny and Kristen and Corrin and other people from back home just texting me and letting me know I am missed. It is a stretch for me to be out here, and I miss everyone, especially the minnistry. I miss leading worship, which is funny because I never intended to get into worship leading in the first place. Anyways, miss you all! Peace!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Movies and Mullings
So Boston is still kinda boring, but things have shown some promise. Monday night I met up with this guy that used to live in my apartment, Ramos, and about 15 or so other people at some bar called the Wild Horse. People there were pretty cool. I didn't drink anything; instead I just kinda chilled. I got there late so I only got to talk to people for like 45 minutes or so. It was nice to get out. Tonight I went out with my roomate Dave and met up with some people and got wings. Again, just for like an hour or so. Its nice getting out some.
So one interesting note is that everyone I have met here so far from the seminary drinks. I am completely fine with casual drinking or whatever, but it is kind of weird having it as a part of the culture here. Not that I haven't been around much drinking, but so many believers going out and drinking all the time just seems kinda odd to me at times. I mostly haven't done it at all cause its expensive and high in calories, but the whole image thing is in my mind too. We will see how it develops. Its interesting for sure.
So I didn't have to wake up today until around noon on Friday, but I still woke up and I watched some True Life and then saw The Number 23 with Jim Carrey that I had rented. Talk about a crazy movie. It was pretty sweet. I like weird unique movies, and it was def that. After wings and such tonight I watched Garden State, which I bough like a year ago and never got around to seeing. It was also uber sweet.
Blogging is weird cause I know its more public than journaling so I don't really wanna expose myself much, but I know like 3 people read this so, oh well. So Garden State reminded me a lot Hannah. The main character is completely weird and has a lot of stuff screwed up with him emotionally and he falls in love with this completely nuerotic and unique weird girl.
Hannah is completely insane and nuerotic and I loved it. She is unique...shes an individual. I never realized how important that is. I don't want a perfect girl. I want someone I can share how screwed up I am and who can understand my insane family life blah blah blah. I think a lot of people look at me and see a smart kid who has a lot going for him, but I also have so many rediculous weaknesses and a lot of issues in the background, and I want to be able to share that with someone and have them understand what that is like. And yea. I had a dream that I bought Hannah coffee and when I brought it back to her she was making out with Matt. It was kinda odd. I don't know what is up with me having weird dreams lately. I'm sure the Hannah phase will pass, especially since I am forced to move on. I would love to hold on and fight for it, but I don't think that will do any good. Thats all I am saying about that for awhile. Maybe once I start meeting some cute girls here :)
I am hoping spiritually things go well here. Spiritual life up here seems to be completely different than in Lynchburg or even DC. Its kind of cool that people here aren't trying to impress each other spiritually like in Lynchburg, but I just hope people are genuine.
The Redskins won their first game and I missed it for that church interview. I love the skins way too much. People here are obsessed with the Sox and Pats. Pretty crazy. Anyways, I have a long day ahead of movies and playstation and maybe, if I get to it, classwork.
So one interesting note is that everyone I have met here so far from the seminary drinks. I am completely fine with casual drinking or whatever, but it is kind of weird having it as a part of the culture here. Not that I haven't been around much drinking, but so many believers going out and drinking all the time just seems kinda odd to me at times. I mostly haven't done it at all cause its expensive and high in calories, but the whole image thing is in my mind too. We will see how it develops. Its interesting for sure.
So I didn't have to wake up today until around noon on Friday, but I still woke up and I watched some True Life and then saw The Number 23 with Jim Carrey that I had rented. Talk about a crazy movie. It was pretty sweet. I like weird unique movies, and it was def that. After wings and such tonight I watched Garden State, which I bough like a year ago and never got around to seeing. It was also uber sweet.
Blogging is weird cause I know its more public than journaling so I don't really wanna expose myself much, but I know like 3 people read this so, oh well. So Garden State reminded me a lot Hannah. The main character is completely weird and has a lot of stuff screwed up with him emotionally and he falls in love with this completely nuerotic and unique weird girl.
Hannah is completely insane and nuerotic and I loved it. She is unique...shes an individual. I never realized how important that is. I don't want a perfect girl. I want someone I can share how screwed up I am and who can understand my insane family life blah blah blah. I think a lot of people look at me and see a smart kid who has a lot going for him, but I also have so many rediculous weaknesses and a lot of issues in the background, and I want to be able to share that with someone and have them understand what that is like. And yea. I had a dream that I bought Hannah coffee and when I brought it back to her she was making out with Matt. It was kinda odd. I don't know what is up with me having weird dreams lately. I'm sure the Hannah phase will pass, especially since I am forced to move on. I would love to hold on and fight for it, but I don't think that will do any good. Thats all I am saying about that for awhile. Maybe once I start meeting some cute girls here :)
I am hoping spiritually things go well here. Spiritual life up here seems to be completely different than in Lynchburg or even DC. Its kind of cool that people here aren't trying to impress each other spiritually like in Lynchburg, but I just hope people are genuine.
The Redskins won their first game and I missed it for that church interview. I love the skins way too much. People here are obsessed with the Sox and Pats. Pretty crazy. Anyways, I have a long day ahead of movies and playstation and maybe, if I get to it, classwork.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Service and Slashed Tires
So things have been interesting since my last post. Friday was my first day of classes, which was exciting. I have Systematic Theology I with Anders, who has written some commentaries that I've used so he is fairly well published. I got to class 10 minutes late. Luckily that was early, because Anders never showed and we just took attendance and left. His assistants didn't know why he didn't show. Guess I'll meet him next Friday (all my classes are just once a week).
All of Saturday was spent setting up my room. The complete hazard zone that had formed from me unpacking was completely wrenching on my OCD all week so it was great to get everything set up, which literally took like 8 hours and I was unable to go downtown and hear my roomate's cousin rap. Which stinks because he sounded really good when Dave played his stuff for me. Actually even sounded black.
So today has been a little nuts. I was woken up this morning repeatedly at 4 or 5am by literally the loudest thunder I have ever heard in my life. Not just loud, but long and creepy. Like literally rolls of thunder lasting 6-10 seconds. It was the craziest thing I had ever heard in my life. Then I had an incredibly bizarre dream that I killed Doug Gibson's mom (I haven't seen Doug in like five years). Super weird. Then I woke up and came out to the church I am interviewing with talk to them about worship and get a feel for things.
The church is pretty cool. Incredibly theologically sound, with expositional preaching and Christ-centered worship. It is also dress-up and traditional, which kind of wigs me out and reminds me of church when I was a kid and didn't know Christ. I'm used to things being laid back and chill, so I don't know if it will be a good fit. It is also an hour away, which would be tough, so we will see what happens. It is hard to find churches here that are conservative at all (like believing in the deity of Christ), so I don't know if I should turn down a paid worship position at such a solid church because of ties and stained-glass. We will see how the Lord works. I went out with the pastor and assistant pastor/current worship leader to Chillis and we talked and I urned to be watching the Skins game, but it was good.
Upon my return to the church I played some songs for them and they liked it and I walked to my car, only to find all four tires flat. I was a little taken back, but somewhat prepared for it considering this kind of thing seems to happen to me all the time. Me and cars do not seem to go well together. However, no one can get four flat tires, even with the rocky roads here in Boston. I looked closer and there were about 4 or 5 knive slits per tire. Someone slashed all four of my tires in the church parking lot. Pretty insane. Not a rough area or anything, I was in the suburbs. I was a little concerned but the church really blessed me and went and bought me four new tires and there was a mechanic there who put them on for me, so now I am riding on four new tires. Pretty sweet. Still kinda crazy.
Today was my first class. History and Archaelogy of the Ancient Near East. I am almost positive that my teacher is Borat, and I was fully expecting him to say, "Archaelogy is very nice." But he didn't. Seems like it'll be a pretty boring class, but maybe I will learn some interesting stuff. The teacher says the 1500 pages of reading aren't a part of the grade for the course, unless you don't do it all and then it hurts your grade. So sweet of him. It was three hours. The rest of the day was spent getting my tux fitted for Bre and JR's wedding and getting stuff worked out with Starbucks.
It sucks not having people to call and hang out with. I don't really know how I am going to make friends, mostly because I don't know where I will meet people and if I don't meet people through my roomates I'm screwed. I should've lived on campus but it was too expensive. So that could use prayer.
I'm kind of going through a "what the crap am i doing" mood. Why am I in grad school. Do I really wanna be a teacher. Is there anything I would rather do? Why don't I go focus on music or go into ministry or become a plumber or something. I dunno. Everyone goes through these times. Regardless, I really need to do a better job of seeking the Lord here, which I haven't been doing much. Anyways, hopefully things will turn around. Still thinking about stuff from back home some and just learning to get over Hannah, which is annoying and something I don't want to do. I'm really glad we are still friends though. I still have lingering feelings though and I don't really know why.
I literally have no class or anything until Friday. Ha. Oh, and I found out I have lost 20 pounds! HAHA. So I weigh like 155 now. Pretty crazy. I'm happy about it. Anyways, until next time.
All of Saturday was spent setting up my room. The complete hazard zone that had formed from me unpacking was completely wrenching on my OCD all week so it was great to get everything set up, which literally took like 8 hours and I was unable to go downtown and hear my roomate's cousin rap. Which stinks because he sounded really good when Dave played his stuff for me. Actually even sounded black.
So today has been a little nuts. I was woken up this morning repeatedly at 4 or 5am by literally the loudest thunder I have ever heard in my life. Not just loud, but long and creepy. Like literally rolls of thunder lasting 6-10 seconds. It was the craziest thing I had ever heard in my life. Then I had an incredibly bizarre dream that I killed Doug Gibson's mom (I haven't seen Doug in like five years). Super weird. Then I woke up and came out to the church I am interviewing with talk to them about worship and get a feel for things.
The church is pretty cool. Incredibly theologically sound, with expositional preaching and Christ-centered worship. It is also dress-up and traditional, which kind of wigs me out and reminds me of church when I was a kid and didn't know Christ. I'm used to things being laid back and chill, so I don't know if it will be a good fit. It is also an hour away, which would be tough, so we will see what happens. It is hard to find churches here that are conservative at all (like believing in the deity of Christ), so I don't know if I should turn down a paid worship position at such a solid church because of ties and stained-glass. We will see how the Lord works. I went out with the pastor and assistant pastor/current worship leader to Chillis and we talked and I urned to be watching the Skins game, but it was good.
Upon my return to the church I played some songs for them and they liked it and I walked to my car, only to find all four tires flat. I was a little taken back, but somewhat prepared for it considering this kind of thing seems to happen to me all the time. Me and cars do not seem to go well together. However, no one can get four flat tires, even with the rocky roads here in Boston. I looked closer and there were about 4 or 5 knive slits per tire. Someone slashed all four of my tires in the church parking lot. Pretty insane. Not a rough area or anything, I was in the suburbs. I was a little concerned but the church really blessed me and went and bought me four new tires and there was a mechanic there who put them on for me, so now I am riding on four new tires. Pretty sweet. Still kinda crazy.
Today was my first class. History and Archaelogy of the Ancient Near East. I am almost positive that my teacher is Borat, and I was fully expecting him to say, "Archaelogy is very nice." But he didn't. Seems like it'll be a pretty boring class, but maybe I will learn some interesting stuff. The teacher says the 1500 pages of reading aren't a part of the grade for the course, unless you don't do it all and then it hurts your grade. So sweet of him. It was three hours. The rest of the day was spent getting my tux fitted for Bre and JR's wedding and getting stuff worked out with Starbucks.
It sucks not having people to call and hang out with. I don't really know how I am going to make friends, mostly because I don't know where I will meet people and if I don't meet people through my roomates I'm screwed. I should've lived on campus but it was too expensive. So that could use prayer.
I'm kind of going through a "what the crap am i doing" mood. Why am I in grad school. Do I really wanna be a teacher. Is there anything I would rather do? Why don't I go focus on music or go into ministry or become a plumber or something. I dunno. Everyone goes through these times. Regardless, I really need to do a better job of seeking the Lord here, which I haven't been doing much. Anyways, hopefully things will turn around. Still thinking about stuff from back home some and just learning to get over Hannah, which is annoying and something I don't want to do. I'm really glad we are still friends though. I still have lingering feelings though and I don't really know why.
I literally have no class or anything until Friday. Ha. Oh, and I found out I have lost 20 pounds! HAHA. So I weigh like 155 now. Pretty crazy. I'm happy about it. Anyways, until next time.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
My Big Move
Hey everyone,
Ok so I now live in Massachusetts, a state that I just literally had to look up the spelling of. I had several weeks of extended good-byes, which began to wear on me, so Sunday rolled around and I saw everyone at church and heard Dale preach, which, was very good, and then went home to pack my car. I thought I had a lot packed up before hand, but it took me and my mom three or more hours to pack my car and then she took me and got my hair trimmed up (which was much needed) and I got dinner with her and my dad. It was nice to spend some time with them before I left. So I got home, and it was around 8pm and I decided I didn't want to deal with sleeping in an empty room and how depressing that would be and waking up early so I rolled out of town, barely able to see out of my windows.
My ride was surprisingly pleasant, although I was exhausted. I was expecting driving alone in the middle of the night with all that has been going on in my life this summer and leaving home to be depressing, but it was a nice drive. It kinda sucked that my ipod died halfway through, but then I heard the Delilah song that I have somehow gone the last few months hearing about but never hearing. It’s charming. I pulled up to my apartment at 6am (just for the record, I do not live in Boston, I live in Ipswich, which is like 45 minutes north of Boston)
So I walked into my apartment and immediately realized I lived in a dump. My house is from the 1700's and is pretty run down, something I expected considering my ridiculously reasonable rent. Though that morning I had a small panic attack, it has grown on me. It is awkward that there is a roommate of mine whose room cuts through mine, so my privacy is incredibly infringed upon, but I have some ideas of hanging sheets and such to get around that. It is going to be interesting for sure (that roommate is in his 30's, married with 4 kids and lives in Connecticut, but for some reason works at the school and maybe goes to school. My roommates have met him twice in 3 months, but the guy came in last night and woke me up then and this morning walking through Weird. ADVENTURE!
Waking up the first day, I was excited to learn my roommates are 23 and 24, not 46 and Asian. They are cool guys. They smoke pipes and drink beer and are pretty laid back, but I don't think they are liberal Christians. They seem solid; I haven't talked to them yet about it.
Most of the week I have been doing orientation and trying to gather furniture (sorry this post is so long, just a lot going on). I took and OT and NT assessment that I passed. I realized I don't have to decide my degree path this semester and got signed up for classes. Also, whatever degree path I choose doesn't necessarily lock me into the same PhD program, so a lot of pressure has been taken off my shoulders (I am deciding between OT and Theology, and maybe NT). My courses this semester are as follows: Christian Ethics, Systematic Theology I, Intro to Islam, and History and Archaeology of the Ancient Near East. Pretty cool stuff.
I miss my friends. Not like a ton, that'll come later as I am so focused on getting settled. It seems like it will be difficult to meet people living off campus. I hope to meet people from the undergrad through my roommate that went there. Certain people are obviously on my mind here, and I for sure miss serving at the church and having the encouragement of Dale and Kent and everyone.
The future is that I start class tomorrow with Systematic Theology, and I try and get a bed. I may see JR and Bre tonight as JR just flew into Boston to go to Maine for the wedding and such. I also interview with that church about being their worship leader this Sunday. I'm getting lunch with the pastor and current worship leader after service, so you can pray for that! My other prayer request is just for godly friends here, and maybe like a 20-year-old Christian model who is incredibly attracted to artsy, intellectual and sometimes-awkward seminary students. God is sovereign, and can do what he wants. Miss you guys!
John
Ok so I now live in Massachusetts, a state that I just literally had to look up the spelling of. I had several weeks of extended good-byes, which began to wear on me, so Sunday rolled around and I saw everyone at church and heard Dale preach, which, was very good, and then went home to pack my car. I thought I had a lot packed up before hand, but it took me and my mom three or more hours to pack my car and then she took me and got my hair trimmed up (which was much needed) and I got dinner with her and my dad. It was nice to spend some time with them before I left. So I got home, and it was around 8pm and I decided I didn't want to deal with sleeping in an empty room and how depressing that would be and waking up early so I rolled out of town, barely able to see out of my windows.
My ride was surprisingly pleasant, although I was exhausted. I was expecting driving alone in the middle of the night with all that has been going on in my life this summer and leaving home to be depressing, but it was a nice drive. It kinda sucked that my ipod died halfway through, but then I heard the Delilah song that I have somehow gone the last few months hearing about but never hearing. It’s charming. I pulled up to my apartment at 6am (just for the record, I do not live in Boston, I live in Ipswich, which is like 45 minutes north of Boston)
So I walked into my apartment and immediately realized I lived in a dump. My house is from the 1700's and is pretty run down, something I expected considering my ridiculously reasonable rent. Though that morning I had a small panic attack, it has grown on me. It is awkward that there is a roommate of mine whose room cuts through mine, so my privacy is incredibly infringed upon, but I have some ideas of hanging sheets and such to get around that. It is going to be interesting for sure (that roommate is in his 30's, married with 4 kids and lives in Connecticut, but for some reason works at the school and maybe goes to school. My roommates have met him twice in 3 months, but the guy came in last night and woke me up then and this morning walking through Weird. ADVENTURE!
Waking up the first day, I was excited to learn my roommates are 23 and 24, not 46 and Asian. They are cool guys. They smoke pipes and drink beer and are pretty laid back, but I don't think they are liberal Christians. They seem solid; I haven't talked to them yet about it.
Most of the week I have been doing orientation and trying to gather furniture (sorry this post is so long, just a lot going on). I took and OT and NT assessment that I passed. I realized I don't have to decide my degree path this semester and got signed up for classes. Also, whatever degree path I choose doesn't necessarily lock me into the same PhD program, so a lot of pressure has been taken off my shoulders (I am deciding between OT and Theology, and maybe NT). My courses this semester are as follows: Christian Ethics, Systematic Theology I, Intro to Islam, and History and Archaeology of the Ancient Near East. Pretty cool stuff.
I miss my friends. Not like a ton, that'll come later as I am so focused on getting settled. It seems like it will be difficult to meet people living off campus. I hope to meet people from the undergrad through my roommate that went there. Certain people are obviously on my mind here, and I for sure miss serving at the church and having the encouragement of Dale and Kent and everyone.
The future is that I start class tomorrow with Systematic Theology, and I try and get a bed. I may see JR and Bre tonight as JR just flew into Boston to go to Maine for the wedding and such. I also interview with that church about being their worship leader this Sunday. I'm getting lunch with the pastor and current worship leader after service, so you can pray for that! My other prayer request is just for godly friends here, and maybe like a 20-year-old Christian model who is incredibly attracted to artsy, intellectual and sometimes-awkward seminary students. God is sovereign, and can do what he wants. Miss you guys!
John
Saturday, March 17, 2007
An Update on Life/Random Thoughts
Ok, so for the four of you that might check this out, I am sorry for the lack of posting as of late. I have a few posts primed and ready, but have not gotten to them yet. I will be posting a book review of Rob Bell's "Velvet Elvis" this week (I hope), and soon after hopefully one on "Fool's Gold" by John MacArthur.
So an update. February has been a rough month. This is the reason for a lack of inspiration here. It was a month where I allowed a lot of different things to take priority of the Word of God in my life, and struggle has ensued. I am hoping that is progressively changing. Sanctification is a process, unfortunately, and I can't just flip a light switch and become the person I want to be. The problem is, if I let that discourage me, it will get me nowhere. The beginning of March, however, began with a great weekend. The leadership in the youth group I lead Junior High worship for and volunteer with had a retreat in which we studies systematic theology and worshipped the Lord together. Now, coming from Liberty and having a Biblical Studies degree, I could have just acted like an arrogant fool as if I knew systematic theology like the back of my hand, but (for once) I was humble and really allowed God excite me with the truths of His Word again.
Rather than the details, one principle stands out to me. Proper theology should result in a passionate, Christ-exalting response of praise, rather than a general puffing up of knowledge. This is hard for me to keep in the forefront of my mind as I pursue degrees and write papers and take tests. This is not about knowledge. My pursuits are not about degrees, or about academia. Every time I approach my studies or my time in the Word or at church like this, I am wasting an opportunity to praise and exalt Christ in my heart. It’s a shame, because it happens too often.
The analogy goes like this. If you start dating someone, you can probably name a few reasons that you like that person (if you haven't known them too long). You could have been attracted to them because of their looks, or their kindness, or maybe the fun-loving attitude. But as your relationship matures, you begin to draw in a wide knowledge of who that person is. As time progresses, the reasons you like that person, or love them, is probably vastly more complex and beautiful than the original reason. The same goes for our relationship with the Lord. So many only know a small amount about who the Lord is, and they genuinely praise and glorify Him for these few things. However, there is a vast plethora of characteristics about the Lord and doctrine concerning our relationship for Him that can result in vastly deeper and more meaningful form of worship (not just with music) than the original. Too many of us just like the Lord (if we are honest), and this is only because we know so little about Him. If we know Him well, the only response is a deep and passionate love for Him. To many of us are still in the stage where we know about the Lord what a high school couple knows about each other. However, if you ask a wife why she loves her husband, it’s not because of the smile or his charm (if it is a healthy marriage), but rather probably because of his integrity, faithfulness, and his constant care under distress. We should aspire to know so much about God.
Regardless, I was challenged by the weekend, and had some leaders really speak truth into areas in which I am struggling and NEED to work on. I got to spend so much time with people much more godly than myself, many of them younger, and it was very challenging and encouraging.
Please pray for me, as I am contemplating a lot of issues in my life, mostly associated with my church and worship and my role there, as well as some other things. Though the request is ambiguous, I think that is specific enough to pray for. I will update you all on this if the need arises.
Now, as I get off of my soapbox, and attempt to live what I am talking about, I have a few more, less important thoughts.
On is that March Madness has begun, and it is great. I won my pool last year and hope to again. My final is Georgetown over Florida. Hope I pull that one off.
I have developed a slight addiction to espresso since I began working at Starbucks two months ago. I crave it when I have days off.
I don't believe global warming is legitimate (30 years ago at the peak of industrialization many scientists believer we were going to enter a global ice age), but IF IT IS REAL, I say bring it...it is too stinkin' cold. I hate the cold. People who like it are lying to try and impress you. That should not be something you like about them.
Ok, there is the update. Please be on the look out for my book reviews coming up and leave comments on what you think! Thanks!
So an update. February has been a rough month. This is the reason for a lack of inspiration here. It was a month where I allowed a lot of different things to take priority of the Word of God in my life, and struggle has ensued. I am hoping that is progressively changing. Sanctification is a process, unfortunately, and I can't just flip a light switch and become the person I want to be. The problem is, if I let that discourage me, it will get me nowhere. The beginning of March, however, began with a great weekend. The leadership in the youth group I lead Junior High worship for and volunteer with had a retreat in which we studies systematic theology and worshipped the Lord together. Now, coming from Liberty and having a Biblical Studies degree, I could have just acted like an arrogant fool as if I knew systematic theology like the back of my hand, but (for once) I was humble and really allowed God excite me with the truths of His Word again.
Rather than the details, one principle stands out to me. Proper theology should result in a passionate, Christ-exalting response of praise, rather than a general puffing up of knowledge. This is hard for me to keep in the forefront of my mind as I pursue degrees and write papers and take tests. This is not about knowledge. My pursuits are not about degrees, or about academia. Every time I approach my studies or my time in the Word or at church like this, I am wasting an opportunity to praise and exalt Christ in my heart. It’s a shame, because it happens too often.
The analogy goes like this. If you start dating someone, you can probably name a few reasons that you like that person (if you haven't known them too long). You could have been attracted to them because of their looks, or their kindness, or maybe the fun-loving attitude. But as your relationship matures, you begin to draw in a wide knowledge of who that person is. As time progresses, the reasons you like that person, or love them, is probably vastly more complex and beautiful than the original reason. The same goes for our relationship with the Lord. So many only know a small amount about who the Lord is, and they genuinely praise and glorify Him for these few things. However, there is a vast plethora of characteristics about the Lord and doctrine concerning our relationship for Him that can result in vastly deeper and more meaningful form of worship (not just with music) than the original. Too many of us just like the Lord (if we are honest), and this is only because we know so little about Him. If we know Him well, the only response is a deep and passionate love for Him. To many of us are still in the stage where we know about the Lord what a high school couple knows about each other. However, if you ask a wife why she loves her husband, it’s not because of the smile or his charm (if it is a healthy marriage), but rather probably because of his integrity, faithfulness, and his constant care under distress. We should aspire to know so much about God.
Regardless, I was challenged by the weekend, and had some leaders really speak truth into areas in which I am struggling and NEED to work on. I got to spend so much time with people much more godly than myself, many of them younger, and it was very challenging and encouraging.
Please pray for me, as I am contemplating a lot of issues in my life, mostly associated with my church and worship and my role there, as well as some other things. Though the request is ambiguous, I think that is specific enough to pray for. I will update you all on this if the need arises.
Now, as I get off of my soapbox, and attempt to live what I am talking about, I have a few more, less important thoughts.
On is that March Madness has begun, and it is great. I won my pool last year and hope to again. My final is Georgetown over Florida. Hope I pull that one off.
I have developed a slight addiction to espresso since I began working at Starbucks two months ago. I crave it when I have days off.
I don't believe global warming is legitimate (30 years ago at the peak of industrialization many scientists believer we were going to enter a global ice age), but IF IT IS REAL, I say bring it...it is too stinkin' cold. I hate the cold. People who like it are lying to try and impress you. That should not be something you like about them.
Ok, there is the update. Please be on the look out for my book reviews coming up and leave comments on what you think! Thanks!
Friday, December 8, 2006
Acceptance of Mediocrity for Fear of Success
Friday, December 08, 2006
This blog will be in essence a rambling about some inspiration I recently received from watching the movie "Finding Forrester." For the most part, this may not be coherent because the idea I would like to convey is not tangible to me at this time. I just can't put my finger on it, but here is a shot.
WARNING: I will be spoiling some of the end of the movie, so do not read if you do not wish to know. The move involves t the end of the movie, there is a quote that basically goes as such: "Men often run away from their dreams for fear of failure, or better yet, for fear of success."
The entire movie, especially that quote, inspires a lot of introspection in me. You see, I don't quite understand my role on impacting this world. And yes, as a Christian, the answer is the Gospel, but I am just not quite satisfied with giving that answer, because I feel that such a simple, trite answer does not even convey the fulness of what that means. It seems stripped of value, waiting for some plaque on the doorway or answer while raising your hand in church but when it comes down to it not an answer for when I am waking up and pursuing my day.
You see, I am an American. And as such I fear that much of my life is being wasted away. When we are younger, we have dreams and aspirations, hopes filled with bright promise. But as I am getting older, I see some seemingly innocent concepts replacing those dreams. What may have been a dream so impact the world, to live my fingerprint on mankind, has now been subty and slowly replaced with the dream of security and stability. I find myself pursuing ends and means of being "successful" in the capitalistic American sense. That is, I want to do whatever it takes to have the assurance that I will be okay in the future, than I can raise a family and purchase a house and be able to set up college funds. I want to know that I can one day retire, that I will not be going from paycheck to paycheck, and while these aspirations are good, I see them replacing the youthful hopes I once had.
America was founded by men of valor, men who sacrificed much for us to live in freedom. They came over in ships, m any of them dying on the way, or while here or starvation, facing tough winters and eventually standing up to a great world power in Britian. And I do not think that in their wildest dreams they would have envisioned us living as we do today. We are entertaining ourselves to death, spending our lives aspiring to have the future set up, all the while grudgingly and often numbly pursuing the present as if it were a task, a chore. Much of this is so we can own a nicer car or be able to wear a certain brand of close. The irony seems unreal to me, and I'm a part of it.
William Forester in the movie had lived in seclusion for decades. He had written the great American novel of the 20th century, and then, after burying his brother, mother and father in a 5 month period, he seperated from life. Not until he met a young 16 year old gifted man who inspired him did he go out and pursue his dreams at the sunset of his life.
This does tie into the Gospel, although the intention of this post was not originally for that purpose. You see, if you are a Christian, you know the answer to the question of the most important thing in the world. So it would seem. But I think our envisioning of this is as far off from the truth as it could be. Because, as Christians, we view the Gospel as an event, soething for those who do not believe. Maybe that we give a tract out in some downtown neighborhood or we have to go to some foreign country and do a puppet show. And all the while everyone around us sees that we are miserable because in whatever we do we do not delight nor enjoy. We pursue our own comfort, fearful of the things we really desire to do. And the sad thing is everyone around us knows it. We can tell them about Christ and what He has done in our lives, but they see right through to our cores, and see that we are as miserable as them. This is not a flaw of the Gospel, it just shows how poor our grasp of it is.
The Gospel is for believers, as well as non-believers. The Gospel should shake the foundations of our lives in such a way that it permeates our approach to our jobs or our schoolwork. What I am not saying is that we should act happy all the time to make others believe what we believe. What I am saying is that we should be so consumed by what Christ has done for us, and so greatful for what He has gifted us with that we should passionately and unashamedly pursue the every passion of our hearts. If you are inspired to write, then write. Or if you have a passion for helping people medically, pursue that. But this is so much more than just your future job, it is a motivation that so few people seem to have. It is rare to see someone who is a passionate pursuer of life. It is something that cannot be trained, or faked.
And so it is not just now that I am at a crossroads, in a time where I am about to go to graduate school and move towards my future. Rather, it is everyday I am place at a crossroads to accept life as a sort of checklist, as a task, looking to some day in the distant future when everything will be right and then I can be happy, or to pursue that day with full, heart-wrenching enthusiasm. That joy and passion for life is what is lacking the Christian today, and that is what keeps us from really feeling satisfied.
Lastly, I just want to make sure I am not mistaken. I am not trying to say that it is wrong to save or to be wise with money. What I am trying to say is that it is wrong to make that the substance of life. Secondly, I am not saying is that you must pursue the job you want. I believe that Christians should pursue joy in all things placed in our lives, even the bad things, because we have Christ and He has provided all things in Him. There are people right now who are unfairly locked away in prisons and are tortured everyday. I do not think they are exempt from pursuing joy. One of the greatest books I have ever read was "Tortured for Christ", written by a believer who had years of his life taken away from him in jail, imprisoned for being a Christian and tortured. He had joy and contentment and passion, much more than us with freedom. We should pursue all such things with the joy of what we have in Christ - what he has provided us in Himself IS our security.
This blog will be in essence a rambling about some inspiration I recently received from watching the movie "Finding Forrester." For the most part, this may not be coherent because the idea I would like to convey is not tangible to me at this time. I just can't put my finger on it, but here is a shot.
WARNING: I will be spoiling some of the end of the movie, so do not read if you do not wish to know. The move involves t the end of the movie, there is a quote that basically goes as such: "Men often run away from their dreams for fear of failure, or better yet, for fear of success."
The entire movie, especially that quote, inspires a lot of introspection in me. You see, I don't quite understand my role on impacting this world. And yes, as a Christian, the answer is the Gospel, but I am just not quite satisfied with giving that answer, because I feel that such a simple, trite answer does not even convey the fulness of what that means. It seems stripped of value, waiting for some plaque on the doorway or answer while raising your hand in church but when it comes down to it not an answer for when I am waking up and pursuing my day.
You see, I am an American. And as such I fear that much of my life is being wasted away. When we are younger, we have dreams and aspirations, hopes filled with bright promise. But as I am getting older, I see some seemingly innocent concepts replacing those dreams. What may have been a dream so impact the world, to live my fingerprint on mankind, has now been subty and slowly replaced with the dream of security and stability. I find myself pursuing ends and means of being "successful" in the capitalistic American sense. That is, I want to do whatever it takes to have the assurance that I will be okay in the future, than I can raise a family and purchase a house and be able to set up college funds. I want to know that I can one day retire, that I will not be going from paycheck to paycheck, and while these aspirations are good, I see them replacing the youthful hopes I once had.
America was founded by men of valor, men who sacrificed much for us to live in freedom. They came over in ships, m any of them dying on the way, or while here or starvation, facing tough winters and eventually standing up to a great world power in Britian. And I do not think that in their wildest dreams they would have envisioned us living as we do today. We are entertaining ourselves to death, spending our lives aspiring to have the future set up, all the while grudgingly and often numbly pursuing the present as if it were a task, a chore. Much of this is so we can own a nicer car or be able to wear a certain brand of close. The irony seems unreal to me, and I'm a part of it.
William Forester in the movie had lived in seclusion for decades. He had written the great American novel of the 20th century, and then, after burying his brother, mother and father in a 5 month period, he seperated from life. Not until he met a young 16 year old gifted man who inspired him did he go out and pursue his dreams at the sunset of his life.
This does tie into the Gospel, although the intention of this post was not originally for that purpose. You see, if you are a Christian, you know the answer to the question of the most important thing in the world. So it would seem. But I think our envisioning of this is as far off from the truth as it could be. Because, as Christians, we view the Gospel as an event, soething for those who do not believe. Maybe that we give a tract out in some downtown neighborhood or we have to go to some foreign country and do a puppet show. And all the while everyone around us sees that we are miserable because in whatever we do we do not delight nor enjoy. We pursue our own comfort, fearful of the things we really desire to do. And the sad thing is everyone around us knows it. We can tell them about Christ and what He has done in our lives, but they see right through to our cores, and see that we are as miserable as them. This is not a flaw of the Gospel, it just shows how poor our grasp of it is.
The Gospel is for believers, as well as non-believers. The Gospel should shake the foundations of our lives in such a way that it permeates our approach to our jobs or our schoolwork. What I am not saying is that we should act happy all the time to make others believe what we believe. What I am saying is that we should be so consumed by what Christ has done for us, and so greatful for what He has gifted us with that we should passionately and unashamedly pursue the every passion of our hearts. If you are inspired to write, then write. Or if you have a passion for helping people medically, pursue that. But this is so much more than just your future job, it is a motivation that so few people seem to have. It is rare to see someone who is a passionate pursuer of life. It is something that cannot be trained, or faked.
And so it is not just now that I am at a crossroads, in a time where I am about to go to graduate school and move towards my future. Rather, it is everyday I am place at a crossroads to accept life as a sort of checklist, as a task, looking to some day in the distant future when everything will be right and then I can be happy, or to pursue that day with full, heart-wrenching enthusiasm. That joy and passion for life is what is lacking the Christian today, and that is what keeps us from really feeling satisfied.
Lastly, I just want to make sure I am not mistaken. I am not trying to say that it is wrong to save or to be wise with money. What I am trying to say is that it is wrong to make that the substance of life. Secondly, I am not saying is that you must pursue the job you want. I believe that Christians should pursue joy in all things placed in our lives, even the bad things, because we have Christ and He has provided all things in Him. There are people right now who are unfairly locked away in prisons and are tortured everyday. I do not think they are exempt from pursuing joy. One of the greatest books I have ever read was "Tortured for Christ", written by a believer who had years of his life taken away from him in jail, imprisoned for being a Christian and tortured. He had joy and contentment and passion, much more than us with freedom. We should pursue all such things with the joy of what we have in Christ - what he has provided us in Himself IS our security.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Lessons from Death
Friday, July 21, 2006
Death is a very diffucult thing to deal with. Its a fact that everyone knows exists and is coming, but we all supress the reality of it daily until it slaps us right in the face and we are forced to encounter it again. I have recently had an encounter such as this in the passing of my grandmother, my last living grandparent and the only one I have really ever known.
I was volunteering at my youth groups junior high camp early this week (from Monday to Wednesday), and I had to come home early because I was working Thursday morning. Exhausted from little sleep and dealing with junior highschoolers, I was about to go to sleep a few minutes after arriving home. However, a phone call came and as soon as I knew it my father, my uncle and I were rushing off to the hospital. About a month ago my grandmother had congestive heart failure, and even though she recovered well and was back at her nursing home across the street, we knew the end was near.
My mother and sister met us there, and we spent the next four or so hours waiting on news and waiting for some tests to be done. My grandmother was put on a respitory system in order to keep her alive during these tests. At around 4am, exhausted and knowing we would know nothing for a few hours, we went home.
At 7am we woke up to go back to the hospital. Nothing could be done and we had to say our goodbyes. We spent a few hours with her, and made arrangements to have a priest come and give my grandmother her last rights and final confession. My grandmother was a nun for thirteen years, and had met with a priest in her nursing home at least once a week. Though I am not Catholic and obviously disagree with much of their theology, due to many conversations my sisters have had with her I believe she is in heaven right now. I was glad we were able to get her these last sacraments as I know she would have wanted them.
The most difficult moment for me was when I had to say goodbye. I requested to have some time alone with my grandmother and staring at her in her hospital bed, holding her hand, I told her that I loved her and that I was sorry I didn't visit more often. I had to apologize for not spending more time together. I said a quick prayer with her and said goodbye and abruptly left the hospital in tears. It wasn't my first encounter with death, and was surely not my most tragic (my close childhood friend passed away when we were 14 after a six year battle with cancer that had even left him paralyzed). However, this loss hurt me more than I expected.
I strongly believe in the sovereignty and justice of God. He is in complete control over things, and he is good in taking us from the earth whether or not it is at 14 or 87. Whereas death often puts doubt into the heart of people, it does not waver me. I also believe strongly that God places suffering and hardship in our lives just as justly. Therefore, I believe it to be a sad thing when we waste this suffering and do not use it learn, to change, and to increase our intimacy with Christ.
It is a shame that I had to apologize to my grandmother about the time we didn't spend together. She lived within a few miles of my house, and yet I saw her maybe once every few months. Our visits were always more ackward for me than anything, as I had never known my grandmother very well before it became more difficult to connect with her (she had trouble remembering a lot of things). In that moment in time, I could have and should have been able to thank her for all the times we had together. There are a lot of other members in my family, my sisters and parents included, to whom I would have to say the same thing. I'm not soley to blame for that, but no one ever is. However, in the end, your forced to look down and see more of what didn't happen than did. I challenge all of you, and myself, to make it so we never have to say that.
Life will end, whether at 87 or 14. There are no mulligans or a rewind button. I think the majority of us may look back at months or years of our lives and see we invested in our TV's and our sleep and our hanging out more than we did our families, and, more importantly (for those readers who believe) the Gospel. In America we worship our comfort more than our Savior.
More of this is my thoughts than a lesson. I know I could quote you all Scriptures and explain how death came into existence and all of this, or give you an exposition on suffering. Thats not really what is on my heart today, though. On my heart is a mixture of regret and hurt mixed with conviction and weight on my life and what I am doing with it. In the end, we need to do all things for the glory of Christ. We should live and die for the glory of Christ. My relationship with my grandma should have reflected that more. I truly will miss her.
In loving memory of Frances Carlson (1918-2006)
Death is a very diffucult thing to deal with. Its a fact that everyone knows exists and is coming, but we all supress the reality of it daily until it slaps us right in the face and we are forced to encounter it again. I have recently had an encounter such as this in the passing of my grandmother, my last living grandparent and the only one I have really ever known.
I was volunteering at my youth groups junior high camp early this week (from Monday to Wednesday), and I had to come home early because I was working Thursday morning. Exhausted from little sleep and dealing with junior highschoolers, I was about to go to sleep a few minutes after arriving home. However, a phone call came and as soon as I knew it my father, my uncle and I were rushing off to the hospital. About a month ago my grandmother had congestive heart failure, and even though she recovered well and was back at her nursing home across the street, we knew the end was near.
My mother and sister met us there, and we spent the next four or so hours waiting on news and waiting for some tests to be done. My grandmother was put on a respitory system in order to keep her alive during these tests. At around 4am, exhausted and knowing we would know nothing for a few hours, we went home.
At 7am we woke up to go back to the hospital. Nothing could be done and we had to say our goodbyes. We spent a few hours with her, and made arrangements to have a priest come and give my grandmother her last rights and final confession. My grandmother was a nun for thirteen years, and had met with a priest in her nursing home at least once a week. Though I am not Catholic and obviously disagree with much of their theology, due to many conversations my sisters have had with her I believe she is in heaven right now. I was glad we were able to get her these last sacraments as I know she would have wanted them.
The most difficult moment for me was when I had to say goodbye. I requested to have some time alone with my grandmother and staring at her in her hospital bed, holding her hand, I told her that I loved her and that I was sorry I didn't visit more often. I had to apologize for not spending more time together. I said a quick prayer with her and said goodbye and abruptly left the hospital in tears. It wasn't my first encounter with death, and was surely not my most tragic (my close childhood friend passed away when we were 14 after a six year battle with cancer that had even left him paralyzed). However, this loss hurt me more than I expected.
I strongly believe in the sovereignty and justice of God. He is in complete control over things, and he is good in taking us from the earth whether or not it is at 14 or 87. Whereas death often puts doubt into the heart of people, it does not waver me. I also believe strongly that God places suffering and hardship in our lives just as justly. Therefore, I believe it to be a sad thing when we waste this suffering and do not use it learn, to change, and to increase our intimacy with Christ.
It is a shame that I had to apologize to my grandmother about the time we didn't spend together. She lived within a few miles of my house, and yet I saw her maybe once every few months. Our visits were always more ackward for me than anything, as I had never known my grandmother very well before it became more difficult to connect with her (she had trouble remembering a lot of things). In that moment in time, I could have and should have been able to thank her for all the times we had together. There are a lot of other members in my family, my sisters and parents included, to whom I would have to say the same thing. I'm not soley to blame for that, but no one ever is. However, in the end, your forced to look down and see more of what didn't happen than did. I challenge all of you, and myself, to make it so we never have to say that.
Life will end, whether at 87 or 14. There are no mulligans or a rewind button. I think the majority of us may look back at months or years of our lives and see we invested in our TV's and our sleep and our hanging out more than we did our families, and, more importantly (for those readers who believe) the Gospel. In America we worship our comfort more than our Savior.
More of this is my thoughts than a lesson. I know I could quote you all Scriptures and explain how death came into existence and all of this, or give you an exposition on suffering. Thats not really what is on my heart today, though. On my heart is a mixture of regret and hurt mixed with conviction and weight on my life and what I am doing with it. In the end, we need to do all things for the glory of Christ. We should live and die for the glory of Christ. My relationship with my grandma should have reflected that more. I truly will miss her.
In loving memory of Frances Carlson (1918-2006)
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